C is for Community

JUNE 3, 2025

"... the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."

~Kurt Vonnegut

My husband Larry and I live in a condo building with lots of people our age, some younger, and many older. We have a few young families with children who have recently moved in. We have lived here since May 2018 – seven years ago this month!

Being the introverts that we are, Larry and I mostly stayed to ourselves for the first few years. We knew our immediate neighbors by name, but we were both still working some and had close communities in those settings (at least that’s one excuse for not reaching out) and to be honest we were also a little shy – how do adults make friends in a new community in which people seem to already know each other well?

In our defense, a good part of that time was the pandemic period, not the easiest time to make new friends.

About 18 months ago, the Condo Board held a social gathering to welcome new residents, to help them connect with the larger community in the building. We mustered up our courage, leaving our introverted selves back home for a couple of hours, and went to the gathering. Once there, we were instructed to write our name tags in blue marker if we had lived in the building for less than a year, and in red marker if we had been residents longer than that. So we both sported red name tags.

I can’t tell you how many times folks came up to us and reminded us that blue tags were for newbies, and we had to explain, with embarrassment, that we had actually been in the building for several years.

Well, we could have been negatively judged for our “staying to ourselves” behavior but the opposite happened. People welcomed us almost as if we were new folks, and invited us to participate in all kinds of activities. We have twice weekly “Wine and Whine” gatherings where people drink wine or something else and, well, whine a bit. In reality, the conversations have only a bit of whining (we attend pretty regularly now, so we know) – we hear stories of people’s travels, news about children and grandchildren, the weather, and the always popular “organ recital” of physical trials and tribulations. There is a very active and inspiring book club, and monthly Movie Night featuring off-the-beaten-path films. Wednesday and Fridays, women play Mah Jong (I tried, but my brain just couldn’t!).

And what has crept up is greater involvement in serving the community – helping out with planning the Speaker Series, welcoming new residents (ironic, eh?), and most recently acting as chair of the committee that is developing plans for renovating our… get ready… Social Rooms! Plus we have connected more deeply with several people and share meals and game nights.

The quality of our lives has improved immeasurably. Being part of this vibrant community has been especially restorative and calming in recent months when all hell is breaking lose around us in the larger world.

Equally important - our small community has also provided opportunities for me to increase involvement in political and social justice action during these hellish times. We are teaching each other how to be brave and use our voices and bodies to resist the harm that has been coming our way, that is being directed toward very vulnerable people.

Why am I talking about this now?

In 2023, our then-Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy presented a report entitled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” (link in comments below). Today, just two years later, many of us are experiencing first-hand what it feels like not to feel comfortable talking with neighbors across the street, much less strangers in the grocery store, for fear that differences in political views, religious beliefs, or basic values will lead to angry or acrimonious words or even physical violence. Social media with their algorithm-created silos of information, exacerbate the situation. People don’t always live close to other family members. And we are hearing much about the difficulty young people, young men to the greatest degree, are having forming meaningful in-person relationships with others.

Consequences of significant loneliness and isolation can be serious – in Dr. Murthy’s words…

“Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling—it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity…

And the harmful consequences of a society that lacks social connection can be felt in our schools, workplaces, and civic organizations, where performance, productivity, and engagement are diminished.”

Whew. That’s a lot. And especially important right now.

(Funny. As I am writing this a notification from the NY Times just popped up on my phone – the title of the opinion piece is “Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?”)

Dr. Murthy again - "We are called to build a movement to mend the social fabric of our nation... By taking small steps every day to strengthen our relationships, and by supporting community efforts to rebuild social connection, we can rise to meet this moment together. We can build lives and communities that are healthier and happier. And we can ensure our country and the world are better poised than ever to take on the challenges that lay ahead."

So communities - good. But how? I acknowledge that, for me, entry into a new group can always feel a little iffy. Will I have anything to contribute? What if they don’t like me?!?

Our ultimate life-long desire, according to social worker and author Brene Brown, is to BELONG.

There are growing pains that come with creating new communities or joining already existing ones. It takes patience and commitment, time to establish genuine trust and respect, especially in the midst of differences.

I am remembering the communities that I have been part of during my adult life – college and grad school, internship, various work settings, book clubs, churches. Each "first time" I felt a little shaky.

One of my favorite communities was a group of women that met twice a month on Friday mornings in a church. I think the group was called PHASE TWO. We were all mothers whose children were beyond baby- and toddler-hood. The kids were in school, making (or fighting with) friends, playing sports or musical instruments, and frequently totally confusing their moms about how best to mother them. This group saved my sanity over and over. The over-riding message to me was…

WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Communities help us as individuals – emotionally and physically and socially. They help us build stronger families, schools, places of worship. And by being incubators for learning how to get along, even among differences, they help us create a stronger larger world, a more humane and just one.

Have you been part of a community that has supported you, that has accepted the gifts you have to give?

My previous post focused on a B-word – I ended up writing about our experiences of “Broken to Brave and Beautiful.” But I almost wrote about “Bodies” – human bodies, in mass numbers, gathering together to support one another and to make change.

I love this quote by author and Transitions Network co-founder Rob Hopkins:

“If we wait for the governments, it'll be too little, too late; if we act as individuals, it'll be too little; but if we act as communities, it might just be enough, just in time.”

Let us know what communities are helping you during these hard times.

Photo: "Here for Each Other"

Taken on the Iron Gate Trail, Frick Park, December 2024